It's like God shit irony all over that family
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
