Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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