In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize