omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Randomize
