Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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