I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
