The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
