Rock
Scissors
Fuck
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
