I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just found puke in my bra..
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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