funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
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Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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