So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
