The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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