this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Randomize
