How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
