I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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