just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
