college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
