wanna go halves on a baby?
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
