Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Randomize
