wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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