Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
