Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Little spoons don't ask big questions
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
