Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
