So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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