So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
