Soap is not a condiment
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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