Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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