You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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