In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
