I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
