just survived the first fart of the relationship.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
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I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
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Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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