I wish my penis had an off switch
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
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I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
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I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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