you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
