I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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