I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
