we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
