i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
