porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
