cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
