you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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