guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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