did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
organizing the empties. That sober.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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