4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
