i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
