I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
