Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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