my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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