Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
