first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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