I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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