textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
