You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
